Your squad.
One call.
Every gameweek, eight specialists read your actual team, argue about it, and hand you one decision. Captain, transfer, chip. Before the deadline, not after.
Rather ask in chat? Your No.2 now takes calls in Claude.
The room argues.
One real squad. Seven opinions, most of them useful.
Dr. Rachel OkaforMedical Officer
Saka is listed as a 'slight knock.' Minutes risk: 23.4%. I have noted your decision to captain him. The date, the decision, and the outcome will go in the file.
Jimmy MacLeodChief Scout
Disnae matter whit yer wee xG says. A've watched the laddie three times. He's got the thing. The thing's in the book. The book's no for sharin'.
Luca FerrettiPicks Your Starting XI
Play him wide. Pep taught me this. Well, Pep was in the room. We made eye contact during a rondo. He knows what we built here.
Klaus BrandtSporting Director
The optimal Wildcard window is Gameweek 9. Nobody requested this briefing. The briefing does not care. We must not cry over the spilled milk before the horse has bolted.
Chase CarringtonChairman
The asset you call Haaland is up in value, so we sell high. Ryan Reynolds would already have a documentary about this. Why don't we have a documentary?
Arjun SharmaPerformance Analyst
Palmer's underlying numbers suggested 23% overperformance. The ownership data says nobody has processed this yet. They will. Probably after you've already acted on it.
Janet MoorhouseSupporters Trust
I know what a bad signing looks like. I've been knowing it since 1987. It goes in the notes.
The Assistant Manager
Start the eleven. Captain the striker. Hold the chip.
One verdict. No waffling.
Every gameweek, before the deadline. Based on your squad, not everyone's.
Your first week of Squad is free, on your own team. No card.
We log the misses too.
Every call is graded after the gameweek. Judge the record, not the marketing.
Eight people. One argument.
No first name. Nobody's asked. Been here longest. Does decisions, not personality.
"Start the eleven. Captain the striker. Hold the chip. The room disagreed. Noted. Ruling stands."
UEFA medical licence. Dissertation on hamstring load management. Nobody has cited it. She knows the citation count.
"Saka is listed as a 'slight knock.' Minutes risk: 23.4%. I have noted your decision to captain him. The date, the decision, and the outcome will go in the file."
Spotted Phil Jones at Blackburn. Sir Alex paid sixteen million. The less said, the better.
"Disnae matter whit yer wee xG says. A've watched the laddie three times. He's got the thing. The thing's in the book. The book's no for sharin'."
Eight months on Guardiola's staff. He doesn't bring it up. He just lets it inform everything.
"Play him wide. Pep taught me this. Well, Pep was in the room. We made eye contact during a rondo. He knows what we built here."
Has a memo for everything. Nobody has asked to see the chip timing memo. The offer stands.
"The optimal Wildcard window is Gameweek 9. Nobody requested this briefing. The briefing does not care. We must not cry over the spilled milk before the horse has bolted."
Flew in from Houston. Doesn't fully understand football. Follows Rob McElhenney on Twitter. Not followed back.
"The asset you call Haaland is up in value, so we sell high. Ryan Reynolds would already have a documentary about this. Why don't we have a documentary?"
Left a quant fund because Premier League clubs were leaving too much value on the table. Was right. Nobody thanked him.
"Palmer's underlying numbers suggested 23% overperformance. The ownership data says nobody has processed this yet. They will. Probably after you've already acted on it."
Every home game since 1987. Missed one. For a funeral. Has never fully forgiven herself.
"I know what a bad signing looks like. I've been knowing it since 1987. It goes in the notes."
Free, no sign-up
Roast my last season.
The backroom reads your full FPL history, every season on record, and delivers a verdict. None of them are kind.
Free, for the group chat
Roast my mini-league.
The backroom reads every squad in it, names names, and delivers a table nobody asked for.
Deadline's coming.
Your briefing lands before the deadline.
Your first week of Squad is free, on your own team. No card.